Yeh. The conference on Monday was really good. I'll talk more about it when I feel like it. Right now though, I just feel like crying.
Until about a year ago, my life was pretty great, on the up and up. I was starting my GCSEs, I wasn't in the same classes as the people who used to bully me, and I didn't have to do Geography any more.
Then my dad started acting a bit wierd. Didn't think anything of it. People kept coming round to pray with him, but I pretty much had no idea what was going on until he stopped going to work. He was really strange for a while, kind of distant and sometimes he didn't have a clue what was going on. Turns out he was suffering from stress and depression or whatever you want to call it. Anyway, things that he did around the house--mending stuff for example--wasn't really getting done, he was acting strange, it was sometimes hard to be with him, but it never really affected me all that much. He travelled a lot, so I was used to him not being there, but it felt strange to have a dad who was there in presence but not really there in mind. Anyway, he was off for all of the summer and he's back at work now doing half days and still not right.
And then just recently my mum's not been feeling well, down to hormones and the menopause and all that lark. She was supposed to be going in yesterday to have a camera in her just to check, and then they were going to stick hormones in her so she'd be all right. The camera was just routine, nothing to worry about. It got moved to Monday when I was in London with my dad--he took me down and picked me up from the place, but he didn't stay with me. I found out yesterday morning when I was absolutely shattered to start with that the doctors had found something in her that shouldn't be there, and that she was going in for more tests this Thursday. Last night, I found out it's a tumour, and they're probably going to have to operate, and I can't believe it's happening to her. She's not even 50 until May, she's not that old. Surely she isn't old enough to have cancer. She told me that if she has the operation, she'll be not right for about three months.
How on earth are we supposed to cope without her for three months? It's not like we're a single parent family, my parents have a really strong marriage, but my dad's still not quite right, still only doing half days but he's going back to full ones soon. Anyway, he's great and all, but he doesn't really have much of a clue when it comes to all the domesticy stuff, my mum's always taken care of that. He can cook a bit, but he doesn't really know everything if that makes sense. he doesn't know how much to make, doesn't know whose stuff is whose, doesn't know who eats what. I'm trying to help out as best I can, but things aren't helped with this being the last few months before the exams and me having loads of coursework and whatever.
I just want someone I can talk to, but I don't know who. I don't want to tell my friends, they'll probably think I'm attention seeking or whatever, and I can hardly go to my mum 'oh yeh, you're not well, and it's really bugging me and I don't have a clue what I'm doing', and it's the same with my dad. If Mr D were here today to do communion (he's been off for a while and there was no one in the RE room so I figured it wasn't on), I'd have confided in him I guess, but I don't know. There's supposed to be some kind of counselling thing, but I don't want people to know, I just want to keep it quiet and stay pretty much the same as ever and not be suspected of anything wrong.
I feel like crying, people were just sort of talking and kind of semi having a go at me and normally I'd just be like yeh whatever, especially cos it was only Dolly, but I just feel like I might burst into tears all of a sudden and I don't want anyone here to see. Maybe the school library at dinner wasn't the best place to choose to update my blog with all of this stuff, all the stuff going wrong, but if I can't talk, this is the next best thing.
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